conspiracy theory

I had a realization tonight, and it might sound kind of weird, but I am proud of the things my mind did to survive the hell my life was with the boys and men around me as a child. Maybe it’s wrong to be proud my mind splintered into pieces, but the alternative might have been much worse! I am still me, and I am a bit more. I feel like Humpty-freaking-Dumpty, except I have hope for getting put back together again. The mind is an incredible thing, to think of ways to survive horrors. Probably having a great imagination as a child is what saved me. I was able to create “people” to take what I could not. And the coolest thing about the mind is that I did this incredible thing without knowing it. I managed to live into my thirties really before I knew that I was probably not alone in my head.
Now there’s a cover up and conspiracy for you, my mind hid itself from me in a way. So here are all of these people cropping up in my head, and they mostly know each other, but they totally keep themselves a secret from me. I did have Mikey, but I always thought he was like a mask I put on or an imaginary playmate that just never grew up and never went away. Major cover up, they kept things from me, still do. I am not even allowed to start asking them about memories I don’t have yet. I would love to fill in the blanks, but noooo, that’s not part of the plan. So now I have my alters and my therapist in a conspiracy to keep me from filling those gaps. I’m also realizing I am missing a lot more time than I thought. I don’t share family memories. I find many of the events my family recalls are things I saw only as dreams. I never guessed until when I was around 32 that my therapist at the time suggested I might be dissociative.
I really want to write more about this, but I can’t right now, others are asking for body time and I need to rest my eyes. I think I’ve been in front of this screen more than two thirds of my waking day.