why do I let my insecurity color everything

Why do I let my every insecurity color everything I see, hear, or experience? I hear, “I care about you.” And I cannot believe it. I fear it. I think any minute the rug will be pulled from under me. I don’t quietly keep my insecurity to myself, oh hell no, I act on it, speak it, blow it. I drive away those would like me, maybe even some day love me by being so fucking insecure.
I can’t even believe my parents when they say they love me. I ask them all the time if they really do. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I fear being alone, and then I drive away love and friendship by my stupid insecurities. People hurt me, so what? Isn’t that in the past? It should be, but how do people do that, leave the past in the past? I know this is what PTSD does, keep the past right there in my face at all times, but I hate it.
How do I get past this stupid thing? I’ve joined a group. I am getting better. I at least know why I feel the way I do. And knowing the reason, I try to explain myself, but I fuck that up too.
There is someone I want very much to talk to right now, but I can’t. I said I wouldn’t call her again. I said that and then in less than 15 minutes I was texting her, trying to explain and it just made it worse.
You know who you are, if you are reading this, I hope I will hear from you again. I want that very much. I am hurting over my stupidity and my past that won’t go away. I am hurting over the things I said. I want to say I am sorry. I am sorry. I said things without thinking how they sounded and now I don’t know what to do. FUCK!