Why I Keep the Blog

I keep this blog thing, where I can write anything I want. I try to share it with people to help them see the world through the eyes of one who is mentally ill. But I truthfully also write it to write, to stretch my writing muscles daily. I write for at least 4 hours a day. I submit now, something I never used to do. I write a lot of my bad experiences for my blog because they are not meant to be places like MySpace and facebook. I also toss in some of my poetry for myself. Everything on my blog is for me, but I do want people to see it because it has a dual purpose, to let it out, and to teach. Learn from the bad stuff, learn what it is to live inside the head of someone who does not know how to think positively, but is learning it as a new skill. My life is going to get worse before it gets better as my therapist and I discover all of my alters and get them working as a team. Right now they are not working as a team for me, they are all still in total survival mode. That is why they exist, so that I could survive the horrors of my life.
Have a sense of humor as you read my work, and also a sense of learning and of love. I am learning. I am growing. I am a process and a group. I am so much more that the sum total of the words you see here on the page. Read not only my poetry, but the essays that talk about learning about being DID. Read it all if you are going to read it.
The truth is this is a dark place mostly. I throw a few other poems in from time to time to lighten it up, but it is a dark place where I can put my thoughts and let them go to an extent. I still have to work through all of this in therapy. As I dig deeper into the alters and learn who they are, it will get darker. And then eventually the memory work begins and that will become very dark indeed. I have to do this thing to get well, or better. I have to do this thing so that I can become someone people want to be friends with. I have to do this thing so that it stops eating my insides and tearing apart my head. Since beginning a new medication, and starting this blog, my migraines have all but stopped. But I believe as I open doors in my head, long closed, the headaches and pain may come back. The anxiety will get worse before it gets better. I do little thing to try to overcome the crippling anxiety every day. I go out alone if need be. I go where I want, when I want. I spend long hours alone in LA waiting between individual therapy and group. I don’t know where I am, but sometimes I get in the car and I explore my surroundings. Other times I stay in the safety of a Starbucks and write.
My recent project is actually taking bits and pieces of poems started many years ago, and creating new ones from the old ideas. It is good therapy for me. I want people to see I am working on me and getting better. I want people to see how serious I am about growing from this place where I am just a survivor to being a thriver. This blog that some of you may see as totally negative is actually a very positive place of growth and learning. Read it again. See where I am going. It is a journey for me.