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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Buddy's day

Buddy's day was a huge success in raising funds and dnations for teh home;ess and I am grateful tp a;; wjo helped. especially Jennifer, Chrissy, and their friends. It is wonderful that our community came out to do something so wonderful. I wanted to do something in the park, which the police said we cannot do. The goods went to a shelter, doing good for the people, the point of the funds raised.

I was hurt because there were few people who wanted to come here Buddy's poetry, and without the donations it seemed pointless to get out there and read a poem to myself. I am upset with myself for not being able to read teh poem. It's been 5 years and I still can't write anything for him. I wanted to do something for myself, not for Buddy, to overcome my fear and read to a group of people. There was going to be no group. my part of the whole thing was a bust as far as being able to memorialize him with the poem, but it was a success in getting help for the honeless.

If I were not hurt and in bed, if i were not frustrated by the laws, I might have gone, but with only 4 people saying they would be there, it just seemed pointless. I am embarrassed that i let my hurt stop me from going to the park. I gave up.

If you are a survivor of a suicide, you might understand my feelings, but i don't expect anyone to understand. I doon't understand myself.

This is just one more thing I have fucked up.


  1. I don't think any of this counts as a failure. First: The fundraiser was excellent fun. Second: You recognized your limitations, and you didn't push yourself too hard. That is actually a win, in my book. --Cat/Eilidh

  2. Have you read, "No Time to Say Goodbye?"

    Don't be hard on yourself. I fully agree with the comment above...this event was a success, and I am sure your brother is somewhere smiling with gratitude for your work in his honor.