This hurts like hell, this DID diagnosis. Admitting to it after all of these years has made friends turn their backs on me, accuse me of lying, doubt me. I don’t want to be DID. I don’t want to lose friends. I don’t want my diagnosis to be suspect. I am tired of all of this. I wish I could just go back to being only semi-aware of my lost time and odd behaviors. I wish I could go back to lying about memories, and covering for my behavior, but I can’t. This is one thing I cannot undo. I am DID, like it or not. My alters do things I would never do. Two of them buy things, one steals, others are always angry, ready to fight, some avoid confrontation at any price, others dance around trying to get attention, and then there’s me, for years I’ve been putting myself in crisis after crisis, feeling like I want to die. I cannot grow, I cannot learn while I am in crisis. So, no more crisis. No more trips to the ER or the hospital for non-medical reasons.
I have to learn to work with these people, these protectors in my head. I need to become part of a team to save myself from the past and create a new future. If I can’t learn to know my alters, if I can’t become a cohesive team, I will feel like shit for the rest of my life. I will have no recovery, no chance to have a future, a partner, a life that is peaceful. I am realizing now that there may come a time when I have to cut some family ties, not permanently, but long enough to heal and become one with myself.
I am hoping for a job, and that I can hold on to this job. I have to pass this test of what I can or cannot do with my anxiety issues. I have to have my doctor, who I do not trust, to sign a letter written by my therapist detailing my limitations. And then I have to be able to do the job. If all of that works out, then I am also praying that a chance to rent a room from a good friend will become a possibility. If I can rent this room cheaply enough, now that I don’t have a car payment, I might just be able to make it on my own. Getting out on my own will let me do what I need to do to heal. I need to fix up the car as soon as I can and make it reliable enough to drive to therapy weekly and get to and from work. Even if I can’t get the room to rent, if I am working, I can start taking better care of me. I can get out of the house more, not that I really have much of anywhere to go.
I know I have been accused of being selfish most of my life, but perhaps it’s been more self-involved. I don’t really know how to act and interact with other people. I am getting better at it, but it’s a skill I’m learning, like listening. Being more positive is also a skill I am trying to learn. It doesn’t come naturally to me. I missed out on a lot of social skills and learning how to be when I was growing up. Some of my alters may have some of the information I lack, but until I learn to work with them, I won’t know if they do or not.
To the doubters all I can say is I am who I am, what I am, in pieces, trying to become whole. You haven’t lived my life. You haven’t seen all the sides of me. Even people who have lived with me have not seen all of me or known especially when I have switched personalities. My behavior was all over the place not because I was bipolar, but because I am DID. The rages, the unexplained uncontrolled spending, the crying, the hyper-sexuality, and certain behaviors are all part of switching from one alter to another. Some of my behaviors have been because of the PTSD and the anxiety. The OCD comes out of the anxiety and feeling out of control, so I have to take control of the little things I can. I am not a bad person trying to get better; I am a sick, splintered person trying to get well.