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Monday, May 17, 2010

ATTENTION

I have been accused repeatedly of doing things, almost everything I do, for attention. I will admit that there have been things that I have done for attention. I will also say that those things are few and far between contrary to people’s opinions. If almost everything I do is for attention, I do it unconsciously.

I spent years learning to cover up my lapses in time, my identities, my DID. Because I have been so good at doing this, not unlike so many other people with DID, I am now accused of lying about being DID. I lied to cover up my flaws and now, admitting to the flaws, exposing them, I am accused of being a liar about my flaws, ain’t life a bitch!
I learned early on in my family how to lie to cover up abuse, and then later get accused of lying about the abuse. I learned early on that it wasn’t normal to not be able to remember large chunks of the day or even the week, so now I am not normal for hiding being not normal? Is anyone else getting the irony here?

I have been more functional at times in my life, and considerably less functional. I am doing the best I can. I denied it time and again in therapy because I didn’t want to be DID, but therapists saw it. I dated a few women and had a few friends who are DID over the years, and every single one of them knew me for what I am, multiple, no matter how hard I tried to hide it or how much I denied it. I am now embracing what I have hidden so well for so long. I am working hard in therapy to come to know my alters and through them, know myself that much better. I hope that all of this knowing will lead to healing.

I have some faith in myself I haven’t had before. I have some goals which may or may not be realistic, but they are my goals and I plan to work for them. My first goal is to be able to work without having attendance problems. My next goal is to get out of my mom’s home and begin to support myself. The rest of my goals are mine and I don’t need to spell them out for anyone unless I’m asked.

I’ve lost almost every bit of support I once thought I had, and I have felt very lost. I’ve felt very lost for a long time. I misunderstand people, they misunderstand me. For the majority of my life, from childhood, I have wished I were either dead or had never been born. For a very special 8+ years of my life I loved and believe I was loved, and even in that time, the majority of the time, I felt like I would rather be dead than alive. From the outside my life has never seemed that bad. No one would look at my outward life, unless they witnessed certain physical abuses, and say it was a bad life. But people can’t see in my head. They can’t see how worthless I feel, how small, stupid, broken, hurt, sick, and tired I am inside. People get glimpses of it when I start expressing suicidal feelings, or describing feelings of worthlessness, but I never, outside of therapy, ever tell anyone how truly worthless and hopeless I feel. The part of my life when I felt best about me and about life was the few months I lived with Ed in Whittier on Friends Ave and that happy time ended when my grandfather passed away.

I try to put the real me into my poetry. I try to tell people how I feel, and they don’t believe me, or they think I say it to get attention or for effect. People think they know me better than I know myself. People think they know what does or does not hurt me or affect me. I don’t get it because I honestly can’t say I know shit about what goes on in the heads of other people unless they tell me, and then I have to take what they say as the truth because I can’t know any differently than they know.

So here is what all of this comes down to for me, lying for years about what is true, and being good at the lies, has made it impossible for people to believe me now that I have stopped lying. Now my truth is believed to be a lie. I lie to protect myself for the majority of my life because I am ashamed of these things in my head, and of the things done to me that I did not do enough, or anything, to stop, and when I finally tell the truth, then I get called a liar. And I have to ask myself, how much do people really dislike me to think that I am the kind of person who would make this stuff up? Why would I put myself through this hell? Why would people I thought were friends think that I would put myself in a place of such vulnerability in a world where mental illness has so much stigma attached? Were they ever my friends? Did they ever think very highly of me, or did they just put up with me? Have I only been tolerated because of other people in my life, because those people are liked? Perhaps.

So if people dislike me so much now, or never liked me at all, does that make every good thing I’ve done now something bad? Does it discount all of the good I have tried to do, or make false all of the friendship I have tried to show? Maybe.

Sadly, the people I would most like to read this, never will.

2 comments:

  1. You wrote, "And I have to ask myself, how much do people really dislike me to think that I am the kind of person who would make this stuff up?"

    I don't believe someone's "dislike" toward you is what leads them to think that you are making this up. A person can like someone but still not believe them.

    I think, and this is just my opinion, that people may not believe it because most of the time, your actions don't always match up with the words you say.

    But, it's my feeling that most people are simply scared. Scared of what they don't understand.

    And, they're also scared by your candor. Your willingness to talk about things that most people are afraid to talk about frightens them. To engage with you may force them to talk about things that make them uncomfortable. And that, hon, is NOT your fault or your problem.

    I read your blog faithfully and it pains ME to see the pain YOU'RE in. I just wish you could understand one thing. If you did, you'd feel a lot better. I know it's easier said than done, but hear me out.

    Each of us does things that have consequences. ALL of us. Your openness has apparently driven some people away.

    You need to understand that it IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It's not something you've "done wrong."

    You are an open, honest person. As honest as your condition will allow you to be. And, the fact that there are some people who are just not comfortable with that and cannot deal with it is NOT your fault.

    You need to disassociate yourself from those who can't deal (and NOT blame yourself), and surround yourself with supportive people who CAN deal.

    Again, I know this is easier said than done, but it IS possible and it WILL help your outlook and your recovery.

    I've been there, and please know in your heart that you have in ME at least one person who reads your blog and understands and does not condemn you for what you've been through, what you're going through, and your courage to share it with others.

    Kim

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  2. Thank you Kim.
    I actually do understand that the problem is not mine, it is the problem of those who cannot, or will not, accept this is my truth.

    I know that being as open and honest as I have been has been hard on other people, but it is sometimes what I need to do. I've lived so much of my life in secret, hiding blank spots, lying about marks and bruises, pretending I know waht is going on when I don't, dissociating in the middle of conversations and not being able to explain why I suddenly speak differently, and just in general trying to keep a huge part of me in the shadows while trying very hard to get people pay attention to me.

    I am who I am, and I am what I am. I have lived what I have lived, whether people accept this or not is on them. I have chosen to use my blog rather than social networking sites to communicate my feelings about my life and about myself because it made others uncomfortable for me to be so honest in a place where I should be able to say anything.

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