This time Will Be Different

I wrote this after beginning therapy with the therapist I have now. Her Name is Cynthia Henrie and if you have lived through trauma, or just need a kick ass therapist, you should look her up. I am reading this little snippet and thinking this is before I gave away the secret of Mikey and Cindie called forward other alters. But even though I feel like it is going to take longer, I still believe I am going to get well. Every therapist I have ever had since I was 28 has been an intern and when an intern finishes their internship, guess what? They leave! So I end up starting over again. Cindie is a real therapist offering me real hope, giving me things to do to deal, to grow, to cope.



This time is different, and I know why, help isn’t dangled like a carrot, but given with care. I am feeling hopeful for the first time in my life. The past is going to finally be past, eventually. My future is wide open, so many choices ahead. I have some research to do, finding what I really want to be when I grow up. I’m up to the challenge. I will move forward and that is all new. I’m not afraid like I used to be, though not fearless for sure.
The idea that I have a future is so new. And my family, wonder of wonders is supporting me in my choices. Life radiates 360 degrees from where I stand and it’s all open to me.
I feel today like there is more good than bad in my life. Even with the weight of the girlfriend who won’t leave, and no job, no money, and lots I don’t have, there is still more that is good in my life than bad.
I sit here thinking of all that I have and I know it’s a lot. I’m lucky to have a roof, food, a car, gas, and help from family. I may be codependent with my mom and that will have to be taken care of in time. It’s good right now that she is helping me survive, but as soon as I find a job that pays well, it’s time to find a room to rent. I will find a school, and find lodging nearby. I will stand on my own, I’ve done it before. I’ve gotten comfortable here, settled in since my longest relationship ended. I know that the time to move on is quite near. I am looking forward to a space of my own.