Color me Maureen

I know I am not supposed to need anyone to make my life better. I know it all comes from in me, but sometimes you meet someone and the world lights up, colors are brighter, smells sweeter, and it seems it’s all because of her. Then I go and cross boundaries, talk too much, spill too much, get over sensitive, and impatient, and I fucking drive her away. Colors fade, no time is a good time because in a crowd I would rather be with her, at a party I miss her, bars are boring when the music is too loud, and just about every activity that I want to do reminds me of her and wanting to share it with her.

I looked at the Moon tonight and wished I could share the view of it between trees with her. I took a photo with my phone, and after figuring out how to take a night shot with the phone, I sent her a pic, but it wasn’t the same as saying, “Hey Babe, look at that, isn’t it beautiful?” When I see a sunset all colorful and amazing, the first person I want to share it with is her. When I sing karaoke, if I have no one to sing to, I just kind of go through the motions.

Life has a hell of a lot less color for me lately. It isn’t as much she isn’t dating me anymore as it is I know I fucked it up and can’t fix it. I can’t become more patient or less annoying overnight. I talk too fast, too much, about anything and everything, like I have no filter and no boundaries. I know I cross other people’s boundaries. I know I tossed at her just about everything there is to know about me and then waited for it all to make her dislike me. I let myself feel hurt over stuff that wasn’t that big a deal, but I totally get hurt easily.

I used to be able to keep people from knowing I was hurt, but I can’t anymore. It has taken years to peel away layers of bullshit to be able to be present with my feelings when I feel them, but now I am overly sensitive. Overly sensitive isn’t a good thing. I would rather feel than not feel, be sensitive rather than insensitive; oh wait that whole boundary thing and talking too much, kind of insensitive. I can be so dumb sometimes for such a smart woman.

Years I’ve been single, with some short lived relationships here and there, and I always wanted someone to flirt with me, try to pick me up in the bar; I wouldn’t actually go with anyone I got hit on in a bar, but I wanted someone to try. Tonight I got flirted with and hit on and it was no fun at all because all I could think of was the one I drove away.

Every time I consult my little blue book about the subject of “her” and if there is any way it would ever come to pass that I could be healthy enough for her, I get the same page. It might seem as though perhaps the book just always opens to that page, but no, asking other questions, I get different answers. The Universe seems to want me to figure this shit out on my own. It really wouldn’t matter if tomorrow she said she would take me back, because I have been told I am not to date right now. I need to get me and my emotions under some sort of control before I can date again. I have much to learn and much to understand about myself before I can understand or learn about anyone else.

At least as a friend she’s still someone I really enjoy being around. I would rather spend an afternoon sitting in her room sharing thoughts, feelings, and dreams with each other than go out to bars or whatever. I would love to go to her house and cook for her and just relax way more than going out or whatever.

I need to bring the color back to my life with my writing. I need to bring color back to my life by growing. I need to bring color back to my life by being accepted to the school I want to be accepted at for my Masters. I need to bring color back to my life by getting something published somewhere. I need to bring the color back to my life by writing new poetry and finding new insights.

Only I can bring the color back to my life.