just some rambling stuff about me

It has been said about me recently that I am weak, I disagree. I have weaknesses, as does everyone, but I am not a weak person. I have lived through some tough times and feel that I have come out of these times a stronger person. I have an internal strength that gets me through when I need it most. The death of my brother could have thrown me into a deep depression, but it did not because life has to go on. I have lost friends and family, I have lost relationships, and I have seen a lot of tough things at a young age. When things happen I may get flustered, frustrated, fearful, but I keep moving forward because I do have that inner strength. My nephew thinks his uncle who died is a hero to him. His uncle, my brother, killed himself over a relationship. I personally think it is much more heroic and strong to live through the pain, to keep going in the face of that which makes us want to quit. I have been known to say I feel like giving up, but I don’t give up.
It has been said that I need to love myself before anyone can love me. Here’s the thing I see about that, I do love myself. I really do love myself, but I don’t like everything about myself I know I have some great qualities, but I also know I have room for improvement in a few areas. Negative thinking and reactions to life is one place I need to improve. I try, and I find it very difficult to see anything positively. I can talk myself into a place where I can see the good in things, or the solutions to problems, but my first reactions are still negative, this is something I do not like in myself. The fact that I have so much trouble, as an intelligent person, finding a solution to negative thinking makes me feel like a failure. For me the ability to self talk to a better outlook is a huge improvement, but it’s not what people see in me first. There are other things I don’t like in myself, most of them are things I try to solve and find myself failing to solve. My insecurity is another one. I am no longer in a place where my life is uncertain or that I have to wonder if people care about me, but the pattern of being insecure about what is coming at me, who gives a crap about me and so on is so deeply established in my head that I find I cannot trust. Trust is hard for me, I either trust too much too soon, and get hurt, or I find I don’t trust love when it is real and that is a huge insecurity. I need a lot of reassurances that I am loved and that wears on the people in my life. I hate that in myself, but again, I don’t hate myself, just that quality in myself.
It is said I should love the way I look, just the way I am. I do, except naked. I have not been able to embrace the way my body looks after my weight loss. There is too much that bags, sags and hangs. I know I am good looking, but that baggy body is not good looking. Getting naked in front of someone for the first time is something I dread. Recently I had the experience and it was really rough for me, but the person I was with had no idea that was why I was all out of sorts and got teary eyed. It is a turn off for any woman I am with for me to get so weird about revealing my body for the first time.
I am told I need to be ok with myself before I can be ready for a relationship, that I need to be okay being alone, but it’s kind of a weird circle for me. I cannot ever be ok being alone unless I know being alone won’t last forever, but friends say I need to not worry about it lasting forever to be ok being alone. The truth is I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to feel like I am going to die alone. I don’t know how to feel differently. I don’t want to be the crazy cat lady, but at 49 it looks like that is exactly what I will be. I met someone who is so right for me in so many ways, but apparently I am not right for her, nor will I ever be because I am always going to be fucked up and I can change and grow, and every time I move forward a little, more past, more memory comes and I am as fucked up as I ever was.
I am in therapy. I have asked my therapist to try to teach me positive thinking, but I fear that the pathways in my brain are to deeply ingrained to be changed. I have asked her to help me find security in myself, but myself is the one thing I am secure about, it is the world and others that I find no security in. I have asked her to help me find a way to be ok with being alone, and even being ok with the idea of being alone forever. She says I will not be alone forever, but I think perhaps she is completely wrong. She really has only scratched the surface of my fuckedupness and will possibly never understand all of it. She is the best therapist I’ve ever had, but that doesn’t mean she can fix me or help me fix myself. Every layer that peels back reveals more rot. It goes to the core and I will never be anything but a disabled, fucked up, single, crazy cat lady.
I feel I have made progress in my life. from. I am a much stronger, more confident person than the one I was once. I am a work in progress. There are those in my life who see the changes, who see what I have done, and then there are those that see only what I have not done. Every day I try to do better. I often call upon someone to listen while I talk myself into a solution, but some people see this as asking for them to help me, for them to solve my problem, when all I want is for that person to listen and be my sounding board. Thank you to those friends who listen. Thank you to those who do help, when I ask for help. I ask for help when I need it. I reach out because I don’t expect people to know I need them and come to me. I do not expect help every time I call, sometimes the only help I need is an ear and some understanding. And whether or not I am believed, sometimes I call people just to see how they are, hear about their lives, do my caring for them.
So hears the deal, I do love myself; I think I would be my best friend if I were someone else. But that does not mean I like everything about myself. I am a strong person, not a weak one, even if at times I show weaknesses. Show me one person who is 100% happy with every thing about herself and who has no weak moments ever, and I swear I’ll do my best to imitate that person. But I think that everyone at some time finds things that they want to change. I think everyone has a weakness somewhere. I think the fact that I am aware of my limitations and that I am working on them is a very good thing. I could just go blindly on wondering why every thing falls apart in my life. I know where I make mistakes, and I am trying to fix those things. I fail a lot, but I get up and keep trying. That ought to count for something.